Who’s got your back? (Hopefully you)
“To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you you ought to prefer is to have kept your soul alive.” -Robert Louis Stevenson
The only mothering a sea turtle does is when she lays her eggs on the beach. She gives her babies as much support as she can by digging a hole away from the water line, deep and camouflaged enough to avoid even the wiliest predators.
Then she crawls back into the sea.
There’s no way for us to know whether or not she’ll ever interact with any of her offspring in the future— perhaps one day many years down the line they’ll both return to the same nesting beach. Most likely, the only connection she’ll have with her progeny is when they’re in-utero.
After that, they’re on their own.
(This story has be told to mothers of recalcitrant teenagers who then suddenly wish they, too, could be a mother sea turtle and leave their offspring to fend for themselves on the beach. But I digress…)
Corals and oysters have a similar, hands-off method to spawning. Males and females release their gametes into the water column… and that’s it. Whether or not the gametes even connect to create little larvae is up to the potential offspring— the parents have done their job.
Most mammals paint a different story. Whales and elephants rear their young for several years of their lives— the females often remaining with their pod or herd for life. The group will support youngsters, provide community, connection, and show them tips and tricks to find their way in the world. They’ll work together, but they will not do the work for them.
Humans have this amazing ability to plan, a sense of self-awareness, and of self-consciousness. This enables us to do wonderful, amazing things like figure out how to create fire, and make tiny gadgets that fit into our hands that connect us to any and everywhere in the entire world.
This wonderful brain of ours is also very susceptible to outside influences. Because we are so reliant on our caregivers for so long, many of us develop the need to be told what or how to do things. (Stay with me here…)
As children, we needed our parents approval. This was a survival instinct. We needed the teacher to if not like us, then at least give us passing grades, and as teenagers, we desperately needed our peers to accept us.
This leads to constantly looking for external affirmations or an external force telling us what to do, or that what we’re doing is okay.
Some people are able to channel their inner coral, oyster, or sea turtle and blaze forward, trusting that innate guidance as they go.
Others— honestly, most people— are looking for the exact steps to follow, the precise formula or process that will lead them to success. When their reptilian brain— the oldest, most primal part of our brains— is channeled it’s only to engage their nervous system in unhelpful ways (re: fight or flight, anxiety, etc).
The truth is, if you’re looking to make changes, create something new, or foray into uncharted waters you already have everything you could possibly need contained between your two ears, in your beating heart.
So what holds us back?
The fear of being seen.
The fear of not being seen.
The fear of failure.
Universal constraints of time and money.
We’ve fallen into this trap that someone somewhere out there has the answer, and if we just follow their process, their steps exactly, then we’ll have what they have. They have the job we want, so we must get the same degree, utilize the same contacts.
We see people that have work that gives them meaning, maybe that has interested us in the past (say marine biology, just as an example)— and decide that’s what’s been missing. We need that too, and we’re going to go back to school to do it.
Sometimes following a process is the right answer. Building a chicken coop or learning a new recipe are two examples of when following a step by step guide would be helpful, particularly if you’ve never picked up a hammer or have only boiled water in the kitchen.
Most of the time, however, the process is irrelevant. Often, it can become a crutch.
If going to school were the answer in job satisfaction, we’d have more people that enjoyed their theirs (currently only half of Americans say they enjoy their jobs, and roughly half of the country has higher education degrees).
If following a diet were the answer, we’d have more success with them— there’d be no yo-yo dieting.
It’s not just knowing the process, or understanding it from a conceptual level— it’s about showing up.
It’s about making the daily decisions and choices that lead us closer to who we really are.
In order to tap into the helpful part of our instincts, we have to acknowledge and address the parts of our brains that are designed to keep us safe. In keeping us safe, they keep us stuck.
Imagine for a moment you’re trapped in quicksand. You’ve read the tutorials on not to struggle, to grab onto something sturdy. You know the technique needed to make it happen— stay low and flat, spread your body weight out as much as possible.
All of this knowledge will not help unless you actually use it.
Eventually, we have to actually grab onto the branch, log, or rope.
It may not work initially.
It may take a few tries, you may have to come up with your own creative solutions to the problem, or reinforce a concept to better work for you.
But the action still needs to be taken— otherwise you’ll be stuck in quicksand forever.
To release ourselves from the quicksand of our minds, we take action.
We show up as the fullest version of ourselves— not some mold that we think people need to see, but as the real, no holds-barred, love-me-as-I-am you.
To show up fully as ourselves, we need connection.
The most vital piece that many of us are missing is that connection to what we really want. We chase the safety, the money, the next shiny thing without actually checking in and seeing what feels right.
We need that deep connection to ourselves to know that what we’re going after is what we really want in our life— not just something that sounds better than what we have.
We need a connection with others who, even though they may not be on the same path, will love us through our journey.
To connect with ourselves, we must support our truest self.
There are a million and one ways to do this— and only you can really answer what support looks like— but at its most fundamental level, the best support we can give ourselves is keeping our word. Our word is how we show up in integrity, in wholeness, with ourselves.
It’s how we have our own backs.
Then we put it all together:
- Connect with Self— what it is we truly want in this ride of life
- Support said Self— and we start with keeping our word to the most important person in our lives. Us.
- Take action knowing you have your own back.
You do the thing.
Book the crazy sounding volunteer-vacation.
Make the art.
Volunteer for somewhere whose cause you believe in.
Any action. Even tiny baby steps count.
When you “fail,” turn it around. Notice what lessons were there for you during the process— your process, not someone else’s idea or opinion of your life.
And then take more action.
When things don’t pan out, seek the support you need.
Not from a how-to.
But from within.
You already have everything you need to be successful, and to create a meaningful, magnificent life.
Leave the the how-to and tutorials behind. Instead, tune in, and start taking some action today.
If this seems overwhelming or you don’t even know where to start, this next part is for you:
2025 is a few short weeks away, and I have limited space available for 1:1 coaching with me. I’m looking for 5 people who are ready to create change in their lives, who are ready to take action, and be supported in their journey.
This is not a how-to program: this is excavating the soil in the mine to reveal the diamonds. We’re going to pop the cork on all your bottled-up possibilities, your untapped potential and paint the world.
You have gifts that so very much need to be shared. It’s time to get out of the quicksand and start taking some action.
If this is you, apply here.
Self-guidance. Connection. Support.
This is how we create a life of meaning; this is how we shape our world.