You are not what you ‘Do’: the conundrum of conversation starters
“So what do you do?”
It’s an innocuous question. Everyone is asking it.
You meet someone and after you get through the initial introductions, asking what one does for the living has been the cultural standard.
It can also be very tricky to navigate.
What we really mean when we ask this question is:
“What do you do that pays the bills?”
“What do you do for work?”
And for those that are mid-pivot in their career, in a career that no longer lights them up, in a sea-change in their life, these questions can lead to a moment of pause.
Perhaps your job has become your identity, but you wish it weren’t so.
Or you’re looking to figure out the next steps in your life, and the “correct” answer doesn’t align with what you feel anymore.
How do you explain all this to a person you’ve just met, to someone you’re not even sure you want to share all of this vulnerable information with?
We could ask the question differently:
“What do you do that contributes to society?”
That’s what we’re really asking anyway, right? Let’s cut away all the fluff, get to the real crux of the matter.
We’ve all agreed that we live here, together, on this planet and each of our actions has a ripple effect not only laterally through the world, but also out through time, to future generations.
But holy cow, could you imagine being asked that question right out the gate? Whoever poses the question immediately morphs into a professor with a monocle and a stern expression, waiting for you to answer incorrectly. Yeesh.
If you’re like most people, you’ll simply give the word or phrase that most succinctly summarizes your job description, shrug and change the subject as quickly as possible.
“I’m in science.”
“I’m an accountant.”
“Marketing.”
It’s not something you want to dive into at a party, or be snubbed by a stranger for, so why bother?
Perhaps we’re asking the wrong question.
What if, instead of asking people what they did for work, we asked that they did for play?
Alternative conversation starters:
“So, what are your hobbies?”
“What do your weekends look like?”
“I tried skiing for the first time recently, have you ever done it?”
Imagine how much easier it would be to connect with people if we started with the fun?
How much deeper would you be able to go with someone when focusing on what lights them up?
Compared to hearing somebody complain about their job, and then trying to delicately extract yourself from the situation. (Or maybe it is your job that lights you up, and YES! Share this too!)
Let’s all make a resolution when meeting new folks:
Start with fun. Start with play. Ask them what they’ve done recently that made them laugh, that’s brought them joy.
See where things go from there.